Extra A 41 v Hertford 3s 12

The Extra A were back in league action this week, with a visit from local rivals Hertford. Much like last week, we boasted a very youthful team, but unfortunately the conditions were far from perfect for the kind of game that we would like to have played. Hertford also had a young looking side, so much so that we were genuinely warned before kick off that ‘punching any of the four under 17’s on the pitch will be classed as ABH against a minor’. It’s believed that Hertford asked for the warning to be issued after walking past Steve ‘Tank’ Green and Cal Brown in the changing rooms.

Hertford kicked off and in standard Stortford style (alliteration- sorry about me) we started shakily, making a meal of the re-start and gifting Hertford a scrum within our half. We were able to put some pressure on their scrum, with the front 3 of Johnstone, Law and Optimus putting in a good shift. The blue defence held firm and we cleared our lines. After some clean lineout ball was won by Joe Tracy, we enjoyed our first real period of possession, and after some direct running from flanker Derry Joyce and centre James Orbart, play was switched back to the blind side and in to the arms of Tank, who did brilliantly to draw two defenders and send Ben Stapleton crashing over in the corner. We took the next kick off slightly more cleanly, and again we recycled the ball well, this time on the other side of the pitch through Aran (the second saint) and Tiarnan Kelly. There were again several powerful carries in the midfield, led a lot of the time by the relentless Tom Cattell, which put us on the front foot. After Hertford infringed the ball was sent to the corner by Sperm, and our pack went to work with a powerful driving maul. This field position was exploited as play made its way to right hand side of the pitch, and Stapleton benefited from the work of Orbart, Cattel and Brown to score his and our second of the day. I’m not ashamed to say that my (Sperm, author extraordinaire for those who don’t know who writes these masterpieces) effort to use the wind in the conversion went SO horrendously wrong that, after the bounce, the ball actually ended up behind the line from where it was kicked- some say t*at, most say genius.

It took only another 5 minutes or so for The Extra A to strike again. James Orbart broke initially to set us up in our opponents half, and after we moved the ball first right through number 8 Rory Banks and Optimus Prime, and then back to the left through Martinson and Tracy, the ball found its way into the arms of our huge fullback, Tank, who finished powerfully in the corner. The conversion attempt this time went vaguely close to the posts, which I was pleased about. Needless to say it still missed, to leave the score at 15-0. The next ten minutes were scrappy, and included Ben Law trying to create the magic of a few weeks back with a chip ahead. It didn’t work. We did manage to cross again though, right on the stroke of half time when Sperm showed the ball inside on the Hertford 22 and went straight through the gap to slide in untouched under the posts for a 7 point score.

At half time we introduced Slayer and Dean Boyle *applaud* in the pack, for Optimus and Joyce respectively, both of whom put in very solid performances. Tindall also came on for T (a decision we all regret), on a rotational basis. We kicked off and immediately got onto the front foot after Banks claimed a well weighted re-start. We built pressure well and scrum half Cal Brown and second row Jones/Rose in particular asked a lot of questions of the defence around the fringes, but Hertford defended well and were able to temporarily clear their lines. We fired back soon after, Tank this time showing an excellent piece of skill when he broke blind, chipped over the defence, re-gathered, ran off the pitch and passed inside to none other than Tom Cattell, who went back to his street hustling days with an offload that Kobe himself would be proud of; the offload found Sperm who cantered under the posts for his second of the day. Hertford fought back soon following this, though, after they worked a lineout well their scrum half found space from the back of a maul and went over for a converted try. Some stern words were had under the posts and we went back on the offensive and after some more excellent handling from James Orbart, and Aran Martinson, Tank was once again in space and scored a good try in the corner. Martinson then turned from creator to scorer; after he took an inside pass from Sperm it was as if Aran had become Moses himself, as the defence parted and he scored without a finger laid on him. Our final score of the day went to Cal Brown, and deservedly so after an excellent performance. Cal dummied outside (all the best players do) and cut through the defence to score another one under the posts. Aran Martinson was determined to leave more of a mark on the game (and Hertford) and put in one of the hits of the season which almost cut his opponent in half. I’m not saying it was late, but it certainly wasn’t punctual. After a suspected broken few ribs, the player was eventually able to leave the field on his feet, so hopefully there’s no lasting damage. Hertford had the last laugh though, after several powerful surges close to our line, they eventually scored a consolation try on the last play of the game, which was disappointing for us.

Man of the match was a very hard one this week, with strong displays across the park. Special mention really needs to go to our entire pack, who worked tirelessly in some pretty bad conditions. Ben Law’s arrows were excellent, Slayer and Johnstone dominated the scrum in the second half both on our ball and Hertford's, and Tom Cattel was everywhere from start to finish. In the backs Stapleton, Sperm and Tank all scored braces, whilst Brown, Martinson and T all worked very hard throughout. One man stood just slightly above the rest throughout though, and that was James Orbart, who led the line in defence superbly and made countless line breaks.

I have decided that d*ck of the day genuinely needs to become a list now; that’s how monumentally ridiculous we are as a team. Mentions go to the following:

- Ben Law: failed chip and chase. You are a hooker, STOP IT;
- Sperm: backwards conversion attempt;
- Tank: 2 on 1, just needs to pass to Tindall on the outside. Throws the pass = lineout Hertford;
- Aran: clean through, could easily make it. Launches pass 10 metres backwards to nobody;
- Tank: having a fit sister

However Alex Tindall in the second half got the ball in space, chipped ahead, went up to re-gather the ball and PUNCHED it, one fisted backwards and out for a lineout. He said it was because his hands were too cold to catch it. MORON.

Another good win for the Extra A, and against Hertford this is never a foregone conclusion, regardless of league position. If you’ve made it to the end of this essay, well done. This is genuinely longer than any piece of writing that I did throughout 3 years of University; too busy getting on it weren’t I- LAD.