Brugsche RFC 30'ish v BSRFC All Stars 60'ish

The following is most likely a highly inaccurate account of the match between BSRFC Globetrotters and Bruges RFC, from a tourist who was somewhat inebriated at the time.

The starting Stortford team had it all: old, young, fat, thin, talented and awful, and were to take on a Bruges side that were taking things worryingly seriously. A big boo now for tour manager Ben Millard, who got way too serious in the team talk and actually made people start in their correct positions. He can (just) be forgiven for this, as admittedly without his efforts there would likely have been no tour at all.

The game kicked off with club chairman Perry Oliver kindly stepping in to referee the first half. There was a kick, a chase, and some attempted Rugby from the tourists with virgin Alex Tindall the only one looking anywhere near being threatening. Then Bruges scored, under the posts. At this point (approx 4 mins into the game) veteran number 10 Stuart Haslam decided he'd had enough and left the pitch; this was his last act of the game. Well played, Stu. There was some more cuddling and knock ons before Bruges scored their second. Rather bizarrely, this actually spurred the tourists into action and a short while later we managed to score a try! This came after a lot of selfish forward play and eventually one of them scored; it was not Andrew Mackenzie but Steve Hearn, who then rather embarrassingly stood up- his pathetic beard glistening with sweat- and bellowed some expletives about 'f**king fight & pride & other such mindless things.' We then hit our straps somewhat and scored further tries through several different players, none of whom were Andrew Mackenzie.

It was then, at the end of the first half, that the best thing that many of us have ever witnessed on a Rugby pitch, if not in life itself, took place. But first, some context:

- The 3rd team, or Extra A, have scored over 100 tries this season
- We have had 26 different try scorers this year
- Andrew Mackenzie has played the second highest number of games (16) for the 3rd team this year
- Andrew Mackenzie has scored 0 tries this season
- Andrew Mackenzie receives A LOT of abuse regarding this fact
- Last year, you were statistically more likely to get injured by a scorpion than witness an Andrew Mackenzie try (Roche, T. 2015)

The scene is set. Mackenzie gathers the ball just a few meters short of the line, there is little to stop him, his eyes light up as he understands that finally this is his moment. The moment to silence the critics, for joy, for glory. And at this moment in time, when it seems like it is his destiny to finally score a try, none other than Mr. Rob Jones appears behind Andrew, and hauls him down just centimetres short of the line (yes they were on the same team). The crowd erupts into cheers and laughter and tears of joy, as do the players, the referee and the dog walkers passing by. Mackenzie still has no tries. Rob is automatically man of the tour, of the year, of the world.

We were then treated to a lovely display of half time entertainment by our tour virgins, synchronized swimming minus the pool really was a treat.

The above story is basically why I decided to write this so I shall be brief with the remainder. Bruges fell away, we turned on the style and ran away with the game. Roberts scored a great try and Sperm showed why he is the best player in the country once again. Ben told us off for basically playing well, Dec nailed someone and played his first and last 80 mins of the season, Paddy pissed everyone off, Faiersy put in a cross field kick, Doc couldn't catch aids in a Nigerian brothel, Adam Barr got f**king nailed but still scored (one more than Macca) and McKirdy (most pissed person ever) actually got on the pitch.

MOTM, rather hilariously, went to Stigdog. However, it later transpired that the opponents mistook Stiggy for Paddy, who was actually meant to be MOTM. Stiggy took the drink like a man though, probably a lot better than Paddy would've done. A good time was had by all and we then had an early night, cleaned our hotel rooms and watched a movie together.

It was a pleasure, thanks once again to Millard for his superb organisation. Until next year.. who knows what awaits?